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to embrace, to appreciate

Created on 2003-10-14 09:41:38 (#1389787), last updated 2004-08-26

930 comments received, 611 comments posted

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166 Journal Entries, 0 Tags, 0 Memories, 0 Virtual Gifts, 11 Userpics

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Name:	to embrace

Bio

what am i giving you? i am giving you nothing. i am giving you things that God knows, everyone knows. it seems like you know something, but you still know nothing. i tell you and it evaporates. i don't care - how could i care? i tell you have many people i have slept with (thirty-two), or how my parents left this world, and what have i really given you? nothing. i can tell you the names of my friends, their phone numbers, but what do you have? you have nothing. they all granted permission. why is that? because you have nothing. you have some phone numbers. it seems precious for one, two seconds. you have what i can afford to give. you are a panhandler, begging for anything, and i am the man walking briskly by, tossing a quarter or so into your paper cup. i can afford to give you this. this does not break me. i give you virtually everything i have. i give you all of the best things i have, and while these things are things that i like, memories that i treasure, good or bad, like the pictures of my family on my walls i can show them to you without diminishing them. i can afford to give you everything. we gasp at the wretches on afternoon shows who reveal their hideous secrets in front of millions of similarily wretched viewers, and yet...what have we taken from them, what have they given us? nothing. we know that janine had sex with her daughter's boyfriend, but... then what? we will die and we will have protected...what? protected from all the world that, what, we do this or that, that our arms have made these movements and our mouths these sounds? please. we feel that to reveal embarrassing or private things, like, say, masturbatory habits (for me, about once a day, usually in the shower), we have given someone something, that, like a primative person fearing that a photographer will steal his soul, we indentify our secrets, our pasts and our blotches, with our identity, that revealing our habits or losses or deeds somehow makes one less of oneself. but it's just the opposite, more is more is more - more bleeding, more giving. these things, details, stories, whatever, are like the skin shed by snakes, who leave theirs for anyone to see. what does he care where it is, who sees it, this snake, and his skin? he leaves it where he molts. hours, days, or months later, we come across a snake's long-shed skin and we know something of the snake, we know that it's of this approximate girth and that approximate length, but we know very little else. do we know where the snake is now? what the snake is thinking now? no. by now the snake could be selling pencils in Hanoi. the skin is no longer his, he wore it because it grew from him, but then it dried and slipped off and he and everyone else could look at it. like a snake, i have no arms to carry these things with. these things aren't even mine. none of this is mine. holding me responsible for keeping hidden this information is ridiculous. i was born into a town and a family and the town and my family happened to me. i own none of it. it is everyone's. i like it, i like having been a part of it, i would kill or die to protect those who are a part of it, but i do not claim exclusivity. have it. take it from me. do with it what you will. make it useful. this is like making electricity from dirt; it's almost too good to be believed, that we can make beauty from this stuff. ♥

dave eggers. a heartbreaking work of staggering genius.

welcome to an exercise in candor and trust. my name is kristen and i will be your biased correspondent on this self-indulgent journey. tread lightly. ♥

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